The Unrelated News is brought to you by: The Disassociated Press
The hyperspace routes have gone for more than a month without another attack. Races have started to ease their tensions. The ISA is claiming it is safe to move unarmed shipments without too much fear of attack. They believe that the attacks were just a random upstart of raider groups activity and that it was simply coincidental that they occurred at the same time. There has been a mysterious turn of events in the case of the ship which attacked the ISA's fleet. Another attack was staged several hours ago. All Victories and Whitestars in the group were destroyed. Fortunately a Starfury Thunderbolt survived (even though its pilot didn't) to broadcast a nearly unscrambled visual picture of the ship, but was unable to scan past its silhouette. This image (image has been cleaned up by ISA Research and Development) was captured:
It appears to be an Earth Alliance Omega-X with four sections on its centrifuge, rather than just two. The reason for this adaptation is currently unknown. It is also unknown what kind of superior internal systems it uses, but they have jamming technology even better than the Minbari stealth drives. Odd electromagnetic signatures emanating from the ship (being dubbed the Omega-Y) lead to the belief that it is drawing power through a ZPF tap system and has the ability (though it has not shown it) to utilize Shadow advanced hyperphase technology. This ship, however, is not believed to be an Earth Alliance ship. Before it jumped out, it sent a broad spectrum tachyon message across the debris field, stored in the sensor logs of one of the Victories, saying "Tell those scum in office back on Earth and Minbar that we're coming for them. Corruption has leached in too far and now all must be purged!" The ISA says that it believes that the Omega-Y isn't under the direct command of Earth Alliance and that it may not even be a human vessel (seeing as the Omega's design is public knowledge). Earth Alliance declares that it has no knowledge of any bio-armour experiments, but may be the act of a rebel corporation in the Alliance's test gone wrong. There have been rumours of debris from Drakh raiders near the battle area, though neither the ISA or Earth Alliance are commenting on this. This battle had an odd twist, though. The ISA ships were in Earth Alliance space without the permission of Earth Dome. The purpose of their presence in the sector has yet to be disclosed. Both the Earth Alliance and ISA have stepped up warship production and have put important border colonies on high alert. The state funeral of Jerry Springer's head was the most watched ISN broadcast ever to be shown. Billions of mourners were overcome with emotion by the event, dieing of grief. Many believe that the universe will collapse into a state of chaos now that their god has died. An entire planet of Narn, Drazi and Pak'Ma'Ra committed mass suicide so that they could be taken to the ultimate paradise with Jerry. The price of shares of Grumio Confederated Slave Holdings and McNarn Inc. have skyrocketed recently. The rumoured release of the new dessert "Frozen Sweet Narn Balls" and the new "EZ Narn Obedience Collar" have caused the price of Centauri credits to nearly double overnight. Lord Grumio has stated that "I just love Narns, especially in a nice white wine sauce. Now I've got to go, I have a certain bunny and fairy waiting for me in my quarters." It has been found that the Brakiri crew reporting the sighting of a damaged Warlock class Destroyer leaving Vorlon space were false. The Brakiri were experiencing delusions brought on by LSD found in their food, cooked by a delusional Drazi who was out of his mental institution on a day pass. In other news, the Drazi mental institutional structure is being completely rebuilt to prevent delusional Drazi. They have shifted a great deal of their resources from their most important project, how to stop Drazi from exploding randomly.
Old News
The attacks on the hyperspace lanes have continued. The ISA has now actively dispatched Victory class Destroyers to defend the shipping lines. Unfortunately a group of ten Victory class Destroyers was destroyed by a group of three unidentified ships. Before the Victory class Destroyers were destroyed, they managed to get a visual transmission off. The image was scrambled and distorted by a jamming system aboard the unidentified ships. Inset in the image is an image of two major features that have been identified from the a portion that was able to be basically cleaned up by ISA Research and Development:
The first main feature is the beam weapon being fired. It was recorded to have destroyed a Victory in one shot and to have countered the Victory's main gun. The second main feature are the splines on what seems to be the aft of the ship. The pattern of the splines was identified, and the inset image shows the assumed appearance. It is not sure whether this ship is outfitted with bio-armour or if it is just painted as a fear factor. The ship is believed to be a new Drakh adaptation of Shadow technology. A distress call was also recorded from one of the ships. "...I repeat, this is the Victory class Destroyer Cleric. We are under attack by a group of unidentified ships. They look like (unintelligible) with Shadow parts attached to it. We have lost three ships already. (to crewman)Prepare to fire main gun... fire!... DAMN!!! THEIR BEAM JUST COUNTERED OUR MAIN GUN BLAST!!! (back to distress call) We can't touch them, we're sitting ducks!... Oh my God! They're coming at us! WE'RE DEAD!!! WE'RE ALL DEAD!!!
SA..." A wing of Minbari Nials were the only ships left intact. All of the pilots, however, have suffered so great a mental trauma that they have been reduced to the mental age of a three year old. Even the strongest Minbari telepaths can't retrieve their memories of the battle. The ISA has not made a formal comment about the loss, but one is expected. Captain Susan Ivonova has been cleared off all charges of smuggling coffee filed against her. An investigation proved that her security chief was running a coffee smuggling ring aboard the ship. The head of Jerry Springer has died. On his show, when discussing the topic of "my homaphrodite interspecies mate is cheating on me with my sister/wife/daughter", a brawl broke out when a Pak'Ma'Ra told his interspecies mate to kiss his purple asses. A group of Green Drazi, who took up most of the audience, thought that it was stating the superiority of the Purple Drazi. A battle soon broke out as the trash talk flew and more and more people began to declare blood feuds
against others. In the fight, the jar containing Jerry Springer's head was knocked over and his head was stepped on by a confused Narn who was trying to kill everybody around him.
The hyperspace attacks have become worse. Many races have demanded that the ISA take action. Many Whitestars are being used as escorts for important shipments, but at least three fleets escorted by the Whitestars have been destroyed. Captain Susan Ivonova has is being charged with smuggling after ten kilograms of coffee were found in the cargo hold of the EAS Hellion, a Warlock class Destroyer. She states that she knew nothing of the coffee, but unless she can find the crewman that was smuggling it within a week, she will loose her command. There have been an increased number of Shadow sightings, leading the ISA's President to believe that the Drakh may be on the move again. Narn attacks have stopped because of an urgent message from citizen G'Kar urged his fellow Narns not to attack the Centauri. A Brakiri fleet travelling in hyperspace reported seeing a Warlock class Destroyer heading away from Vorlon space at full speed, it looked like it was severely damaged.
The Centauri government has publicly released the sensor logs from the lost Vorchan. The Whitestar fired first, but it is suspected that this fact was falsified. When asked why the Whitestar would fire first, the ISA's President couldn't find a reasonable explanation. The case of "That stinkbag killed my stinkbag!" was ended abruptly when JA Smith XVI was assassinated. The assassin was an unidentified human. When apprehended, he stated "For the future." and bit a cyanide tablet imbedded in his tooth. Smith had no will and therefore no heir. The Centauri are experiencing fallout from the bombing of the Narn planet. Individual Narns are using suicide bombing tactics, targeting important Centauri political figures. Ambassador Vir Coto was almost killed when a suicide bomber burst into his quarters and blew them up. Luckily, he was currently having a meeting with the Minbari Ambassador about the Vorchan/Whitestar incident. The 9th annual Earth Force Top Gun competition was scheduled to
begin next week. Unfortunately, the passenger liners carrying the best fighter pilots in Earth Force were destroyed. The ships managed to send of a message before they were destroyed, "Oh, God! It's th-the Shadows! They're attacking us." Other races have had other assaults on their ship and planets, including the Centauri, Minbari, Drazi, Vree, Brakiri, and Lumati.
Due to a report on the commander of the EAS Agamemnon's behaviour, there has been an epidemic of subordinate officers changing their superior officer's shower preferences to ice water, the problem is expected to get worse, before it gets better. A series of ship collisions happened in the asteroid belt in SOL, there seemed to be a confusion over the fact that absolutely nothing was going to happen in the asteroid belt in SOL. Due to his false report that the sun in the Epsilon sector had exploded, the delusional Drazi pilot has been committed. The Centauri have analysed the sensor logs of the lost and have reported that the Vorchan was destroyed by a Whitestar, the Centauri, however, are unsure who fired first. The Interstellar Alliance has reported that it is also missing a Whitestar that was in the same area, no wreckage has been found, but the Centauri were able to find their ship an hour after it was destroyed when another Vorchan happened upon the wreckage. The case of "That stinkbag killed my
stinkbag!" experienced a setback, when the bailiff dropped the jar containing Judge Koch's head, a new judge is being sought out. A Narn planet near the Centauri/Narn border was bombarded, killing all people on the planet. The Narn have blamed the Centauri, but the Centauri swear that they had nothing to do with the attack. There were several reports of Shadow ship sightings in the area, leading the Interstellar Alliance to believe that the Drakh had a hand in the destruction of the planet.
A passenger liner carrying 200 civilians arrived safely at Babylon 5. The Omega class Destroyer Agamemnon's commander was disciplined for changing his captain's shower temperature preference to ice water. Absolutely NOTHING is going on in the asteroid belt in SOL. The sun in the epsilon sector was reported, by a delusional Drazi pilot, to have exploded. 12 hours later, the claim was reported to be untrue. Absolutely NOTHING is happening in the asteroid belt in SOL. A Centauri Vorchan was lost in hyperspace. Debris has been found, including the sensor logs. When questioned, the Centauri commander aboard the station to which the Vorchan was headed commented "I'm tired of all these questions, I just want to get drunk and have my weekly orgy! You may now promptly go to hell!". These comments are confusing, seeing as this Centauri was an atheist and was claimed to have killed a man on Centauri Prime because he claimed that he was lacking in certain sexual organs.
Absolutely NOTHING is going on in the asteroid belt in SOL. Quantium-40 tycoon JA Smith XVI is suing Trans-galactic Shipping Lines for the death of his pet Pak'Ma'Ra. One of their personnel accidental put it in a non-atmosphere contained container, when it was being shipped in one of the open space cargo bays. The lawsuit for 20 000 000 000 Credits is being judged by the recently thawed head of the honourable Edward Koch (who dispensed justice on a late 20th century television show). The proceedings begin tomorrow on what has been dubbed by the media "That stinkbag killed my stinkbag!"
